Tuesday, November 25

Expressing My Fears About Baby #2

Why is having a second kid so scary? I know in my heart that it will be wonderful and that it will all work out somehow (as long as I have my Heavenly Father's help), but I can't help but feel guilty that the alone time I've had with Tenley for the last year and several months will be ending soon. My attention will be divided between two babies or more for forever and it's scary not knowing how you could possibly love your second baby as much as your first. (I'm sure I will, but I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love Tenley). 

It's scary not knowing how easy or difficult your second will be compared with your first. It's scary to imagine the worst-case scenario and wonder whether or not you can truly handle it. 

How am I going to go grocery shopping with two littles? How am I even going to carry two babies to the car? How am I going to make sure my 18-month old doesn't accidentally hurt or kill her little brother? How do I help my 18-month old, who is very attached to mom, realize that I love her as much as ever even though I won't be able to give her the same amount of attention? How do I help her to not feel jealous? 

How will I be able to get through the nights if he isn't a good sleeper? (Tenley was amazing as a newborn and I was still pretty exhausted--I can't even imagine a difficult baby!) How will I function in a messy home--particularly when that's one thing that really stresses me out and puts me in a bad mood? How could I possibly conceive that having 4-7 children is really what I want??? I know people do it and I still want that more than anything, but I am so scared just to have two! I'm scared that I'll be even less patient and even more disappointed with myself than I already am oftentimes. I don't want to feel inadequate as a mother (naturally), and I know that I am trying, but I think about my sweet Tenley (especially when I snuggle with her before bed) and think about how she deserves better. She's so perfect and wonderful and she deserves the best mom I can be. And I rarely feel like I'm at that level. 

I guess I am just getting nervous as the countdown hits approximately 10 weeks until our little guy's arrival. I love him and I love when he presses against my hand when I rub my belly or poke his little limbs, but I just can't think about him as a real baby yet. It hasn't really hit me that in a little over two months he will be here and our lives will change (again) forever. I am excited and have been since even before he was conceived, but as we approach his arrival, I am getting more and more anxious about all the changes that will inevitably come with it. 

Right now, I just want to be the mom that Tenley deserves. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best mom I can be for her and find that I let myself down almost daily. I am trying not to feel guilty and remember that by this time next year, things will probably be much easier and much more relaxed and I'll be able to laugh at all of my ridiculous worries (at least, I hope that's the case). But for now, they aren't ridiculous. I have no idea what to expect. I obviously hope that my labor is easier and faster, and that the transition is smoother than I am expecting and that our boy is just as wonderful a newborn as Tenley was, but the negative part of me wants to expect the opposite. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Not the most positive motto, but that pretty much describes my outlook in situations like this one. Hey, it worked with Tenley. I lucked out with our first baby (which is partly why we felt we could handle a second so soon!) but I'm trying not to get my hopes up that our second will be as wonderful (though I certainly hope so!). 

I am just grateful that I get to be a mom to these two little spirits. I feel as though they are teaching me more about being like Christ than I am much of the time. It is such a wonderful feeling to have a person who forgives with ease and loves you unconditionally like children do. I cannot imagine choosing not to have children if it was a possibility for me. Being a mother is definitely the most rewarding occupation of my time and efforts. I just love it. 

How was having a second child for you? Were you scared at all? Were your fears relieved or confirmed? Do you have any advice on becoming a mother of two?

We head to Sun Valley, Idaho tomorrow and then to Caldwell to be with Dalin's family for Thanksgiving this week! I am so looking forward to being with family and doing some things! I'm less enthusiastic about the 6 hours we'll be in the car with Tenley. But we've done it before (many times) and I'm sure we'll survive;) 

Happy Thanksgiving! (in case I don't get a chance to get back on here soon;)

1 comment:

  1. I remember a lot of those same feelings. And it turned out to be great - the transition was really not a big deal at all. And this time, expecting #3, I have way fewer anxieties because I recognize that it'll all work out and I am confident about being able to love another child just as much as my first two.

    One thing that I noticed is that while I'd felt like my first was the easiest baby in the universe, my second baby was just as easy except in different ways.

    And when I had two children, I realized my guilt was way more associated with my second child than my first. Once you have an older toddler, you realize that babies are pretty dang easy (you just didn't know it the first time around). I felt like I still spent tons of one on one time with Ella while Ani napped around the clock, while Ani didn't get nearly as much attention for a solid year or so until she was really old enough to do things with both of us.

    I also felt like I fell IMMEDIATELY in love with Ella, but with Ani it took me a while longer because I now knew that I didn't know her. With Ella, I didn't recognize that she was basically a stranger to me, but because when Ani was born I knew Ella so so well, I could see clearly that Ani was a new person that I had to get to know.

    What's really weird is when they get a little older and it's your first child that's going through a tough stage and making you crazy and your younger one is the one you think "yikes, do I love you more?!"


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