Tuesday, November 11

A Pregnancy Thing and A Mom Thing

Hey guys, it's been a great day (that's a little bit sarcastic as you'll soon discover). I've already had two emotional breakdowns and it's only 1pm.

I know pregnancy hormones can make a girl a little crazy (that definitely happened with Tenley) but this time around, I have felt a lot more in control of my emotions. (Maybe it's because we're having a little tough guy...). Until the last few days.

Oh man, being sick and pregnant is not fun at all. For your sake, I will not be going into detail (unless you wanna talk about it in person or something because it's gross) but basically, I am extremely dehydrated and was having contractions way too frequently and intensely for 27 weeks and so I was sent to the ER the other day to be put on an IV. They also gave me something to help with the pain, which incidentally made me very tired. So I was knocked out pretty much the whole time at the hospital and once the contractions calmed down (the monitor still showed I was cramping) they released me to go home and be on bed rest for a few days.

Let me just insert here that bed rest is SO boring. The first day wasn't so bad since it was Sunday and I was heavily drugged and could only sleep anyway, but yesterday was so hard with Dalin gone at work. I thought I'd be able to somehow stay on the couch and rest and Tenley would just play by herself all day (yeah, what was I thinking?) but it was really difficult.

I kind of forgot that Tenley requires food and entertainment among other things, and so it was not the restful day it should have been. Thus my continued discomfort and tiredness led to me snapping at her more than I should have (which should be not at all--she's only 15 months old and sometimes I treat her like she's a child more than a new toddler). When bedtime rolled around, I was relieved, but also felt terribly sad at how the day had gone. The apartment was in ruins but that was no excuse to get upset with a little girl. I cried before I put Tenley to bed because I felt so frustrated by my own behavior that day and sad that Tenley probably had no idea what I had been upset about. And because as soon as she's down in bed, I want to wake her up and be with her and be the kind of mom I should have been.

My friend Emily perfectly explained, (after a similarly hard day of losing her patience and finally putting her daughter in bed): "All I want to do is wake her up, gather her up in my arms and read her books and sing her songs and tell her stories because I feel so badly about how our day went." I couldn't have said it better myself. That was exactly what I wanted to do last night.

But after snuggling with Tenley in her bed for as long as my pregnant body could take (and telling her sorry a thousand times for being such a lame mom)--that toddler mattress has to be the most uncomfortable thing I've ever slept on--I went to sleep on the couch until Dalin finally came home from work.
My sleeping girl last night as I snuggled with her in her bed. 
Then began the longest night of my life (at least, that I can recall). I literally got up to use the bathroom 30-40 times and was completely exhausted by morning. Dalin's sleep was, I'm sure, also disturbed the whole night through because of me, which resulted this morning in a very sad, tired, and emotionally distraught me. I had zero energy from getting next to no sleep, and I felt weak with dehydration even though I had been sipping water all day yesterday. If I could show you a picture of me this morning--I wouldn't. But just imagine like the nastiest, splotchy-faced, unbrushed version of me in glasses that you can. That's probably not even as bad as it was.

I sobbed when I called my mom on the phone to vent because I felt so completely exhausted and miserable, then I called my doctor's office and they said they want me to come in right away. Honestly, I felt so horrible, I had considered having Dalin just take me straight to the ER to be put on an IV.

The doctor (my regular doctor wasn't available) was glad I had come in and told me I need to drink as much as I can and if it didn't stay down or feel like enough, that I should go into the hospital once a day over the next few days to have an IV put in for me to get fluids (my intuition wasn't far off). They ran a couple of tests as well to try to figure out if what I have is viral or something else, and sent me home with a prescription in the meantime.

My cousin Whitney came over to watch Tenley for an hour and a half while Dalin and I (but mostly Dalin) took a nap because he has to work all evening (and I felt horrible that Tenley and I--but mostly me--had kept him up all night). Then Dalin left for work with Tenley to drop her off at our aunt and uncle's house for the rest of the evening so I can rest.

That's where the second waterworks came in as I thought about not seeing Tenley all day and leaving her with someone else to be responsible for taking care of her. I love her so much and 8 or so hours is literally the longest I have ever been away from her since I was pregnant with her. I also had several irrational worries and concerns (and I knew they were irrational) about her being fed enough and her diaper getting changed and so on, which are completely ridiculous because not only has she been with our wonderful aunt before and done amazingly (they said she didn't cry at all!), but Laur has four kids and knows perfectly well how to take care of a baby. It was just that nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be taking care of her and feeling guilty for being unable to and sad that I wouldn't be able to hug and kiss her whenever I wanted to. I am trying not to tear up again now as I think about it too much, but Tenley is just the best baby and I am so glad she does well with other people because it would have broken my heart if she had cried when she walked out the door with her dad.

Anyway, this post was much longer than I meant it to be (but I am lying down on my bed so it's okay I think...I'm still "resting") but I just had to describe my fragile emotional state and see my irrationalities written out so I could feel better about not being with Tenley today.

Some day, I will probably rejoice for a day or night off from one of my kids, but today is not that day. Hopefully I never feel that way, but we'll see.

Now, I need to try and sleep (since that was the point of this whole thing) but I'd like to know if you can sympathize with my pregnant/mothering emotional distress and irrational thinking because I could use an ally or two.

Also, thank you again to everyone who has brought me food (or blue Gatorade:) or offered help. I appreciate it so much. You have no idea.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better,

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