Inspiring Mormon Messages

I've decided I need a little more positivity in my life to help me get through my days recently, especially during this time when I am in school and feeling overwhelmed by homework assignments and caring for my children. I enjoy both of these things very much most of the time, but I swear I haven't been so tired since...I can't even remember. My bedtime moved from 10/11pm to midnight or later (2:30AM a few nights in a row), just trying to stay on top of all my reading and writing assignments (that darn English major).

It's exhausting and I already don't do well with less than nine hours of sleep (plus my body basically gives up and I always get sick when I stay up late), never mind operating harder than usual on five or six.

So anyhow, that's where I decided to look up a Mormon Message on mormonchannel.org. The first thing that popped up was this short video called "Lift." It didn't seem to have much to do with my life, but I was drawn in and I felt a peace after watching it. Anyway, I really think it's worth everyone's while to become a little happier! And they're so not just for Mormons--they apply to all people!

Here is the first video about service to others ("Lift").

And don't worry, Moms, I have one for you. This one really didn't hit home until the end, but it brought the tears so you know it's good;)

And I made this little banner to sum up the last video's message--in case you thought you could avoid it;)

You're doing good work, mamas. Keep doing it.

Updates on the Kiddos

I can't believe this^ was happening just about a year ago. I was in class with my active little 9 month old, studying Shakespeare and Short Stories and Literary Theory and completely disregarding the "No food or drink" signs outside the doors. (Not that I expected this kind of mess to be the result...don't worry, I cleaned it up). 

Now it's just little Declan and me hanging out in class, him chilling on me in our baby K'Tan (thank you, Target Customer Service for the incredible bargain!--I'll pretty much buy anything for 60% off), sleeping through some great info on 1920s American literature and through Creative Writing discussions.  

Also no I don't wear a swimsuit to class. This was in San Diego. I only had these to show.

As stressed as I get about finishing schoolwork (though Dalin doesn't understand why since I apparently get consistent B+'s/A-'s by making very little effort) I like going to school and I like getting to learn and stretch my creative side. It'd be a little sweeter without a heavy boy hanging off of me probably, but he's been a peach so far. In one of my classes, he's never made a peep (I'm just asking for trouble by sharing this, huh?) and my classmates forgot he was there. He has only been to my other class twice and he had a brief fussy moment today (though it was my darn fault for packing away his pacifier at the bottom of my bag...) but he's been a snuggly bug most of the time and it's pretty cool that I'm allowed to take him. Of course he basically sleeps and nurses for two and half hours, but hey, anything to keep him happy (too bad he's going to be super spoiled by six months which is at the very end of July--eek!)

Declan is doing well by the way for all those who like to ask. I will say he has picked up a slightly obnoxious high-pitched scream from a certain stinker of a toddler, which was surprising to me (who knew at 3 months they could pick that stuff up??). He does it when he's mad occasionally, but mostly we figured out that he just wants attention because he smiles at us and does his high-pitched little sound and laughs about it. It's so hilarious and weird. I feel like he's way more advanced at three months than I remember Tenley being.

Thinks he's a little man or something. Ah, just be three months old please!!

Sleep smiles. The best ones were all blurry.

He also apparently believes he is entering adulthood or something because he literally rolls onto his belly every time I put him on his back. Most babies hate tummy time. Declan hates back time. He also loves sitting up (not that his neck control is perfect by any means) and smiles when I sit him in the bumbo. Tenley didn't go in that thing for a few more months I'm pretty sure. Declan is an over-achiever. Or just super ready to be playing with his kid sister who he simply adores. His eyes watch her wherever she goes.

Tenley is also doing great. She says so many words and phrases, I can't even think of them all. But some things she says a lot include:

"Potty"
"Pee" (She'll poke Declan's diaper and say "pee!" She loves diverting attention away from her dirty diapers by trying to get Declan changed instead)
"Poop" (we're potty-training...well, she's potty training herself...we pretty much just put her diaper back on after she uses the potty)
"Pi-pad" (iPad. Uh oh. She watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Elmo on there and that's pretty much it. We had to use it to distract her on the long drive to San Diego and now she thinks it's hers. We've been too grateful to have it for a distraction (and probably too lazy) to teach her otherwise)
"Out-hise" (Outside. We hear this a thousand times a day)
"Out!" (We usually hear this three seconds after buckling her in the carseat)
"I do it!" (We usually hear this as we are buckling her into the carseat or pretty much any time we try to help her)
"'mere!" (Come here)
"minty" (She used to ask for "mints" but would call all candy mints, so I told her it was called candy and she coined the term "minty" which is now what everyone calls them)
"choc-it" (chocolate)
"He 'bit up!" (he spit up)
"out there"
"in here"
"more this" (haha, for food we're eating. So funny)
"no way!" (also hilarious when she uses this in the right context)
"ah Pace?" (where's Payson/Pace?--she always "ah" for "where" for some reason)

Watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I know all the songs. 

I can't believe in a matter of months we'll have a two-year old and a six-month old and we'll both have our Bachelor's degrees. That's just ridiculous and I can't even process all that right now. These are bittersweet times.

Delight in the Hard Times

Attending church on Mother's Day is always a treat, but today it was especially wonderful to me.

My favorite thoughts came from our (now former as of today:/ ) bishop's wife, also known as Sister Call, who is both a great speaker and an inspiring woman.

She urged us to savor this time of young parenthood--for her it was the best time of her life and she misses it. This really made me think. Like my post yesterday, it made me again ask am I enjoying this time in my life? Am I appreciating it as much as I should? Probably not. Will I be able to do so fully? Probably not until many years down the road. But I probably could be finding a little more joy in the every day.

Sister Call then added that those hards moments, the ones when your kids put peanut butter on your furniture, and make messes, and say and do embarrassing things end up making the best stories and memories later on. And I realized how true that is of my own life so far. I am so grateful to her for reminding me to have that perspective. It won't always be easy in the moment, but it's so much better to laugh about these experiences than to get angry, which only hurts everyone.

So the next time (because I know we're not past these things yet) Tenley puts on my makeup or hides my phone in the rice cooker or draws all over the fridge, floor, and her body in marker, I'll try to remember that in a few years she won't be doing these silly little things anymore. And in a few more years, she will be leaving home and I'll miss her to death--messy bright green hands and all.

Smell the Roses

I need to stop, breathe, and relax.

Sometimes I just need to remember to take some time to smell the roses.

Especially when there is something to look forward to, I tend to live for that thing and not enjoy the present and the gift that it is as much as I should. 

But I'm working on that. I have two precious young and growing children who need me to be my best and happiest self right now. Not in a few weeks or months. I frequently feel like I need to be doing to feel like I'm living, and that's a hard thing for me to get past. 

I use the excuse of school a lot. "When I finish school, then I'll do such and such." But I need to do some of those things now. Make more art, write more frequently, worry less, pray more. I need to try and enjoy the fleeting hard times and try to see that they ultimately are helping me to improve, and change, and grow because who knows what could happen in the next many months? And who knows what I could miss?

Like the beginning lyrics of Little River Band's "Lady":

Look around you, look up here

Take time to make time

Make time to be there

Look around, be a part

Do you sometimes struggle to live in the present the way I do? 

A Letter

This was another English assignment--to write a letter. No other requirements. But once I started this letter, I couldn't stop [crying...]. I've decided to share it because I know that many, many parents feel like I do. They feel like their love is so great for their children that no one else could possibly love their babies more. That's definitely how I feel anyway. So I wrote a letter to my children, because besides my Savior and husband, there are no beings I love more. 

Dear Tenley & Declan (& all my babies to come),

I want you to know with certainty that I love you. I hope there won’t be but expect there will probably be a few times when you wonder if that’s true. I promise you it is. The days that you were born were some of the physically hardest but most wonderful of my life. The only greater day was marrying your dad in the Boston temple for all eternity and by doing so, insuring that each of you would be sealed to us forever and ever. 

I am so thankful for the gift of eternal families. I want to be with each one of my amazing children forever. I know that one day, each of you will find an eternal companion to form your own families with. I will be happy for you at this time, but also sad knowing that you do not need me the way you do now. I think of how I feel toward my own parents right now. I love them so much, and hope I get to be with them forever, but even more, I love my husband and children and never want to part from them. Because you are mine. But you are also someone else's. 

As much as I hope you will always love me the way you do as my little babies, I want you to love someone else even more your whole life through. That person is your Father in Heaven. I can’t imagine loving you any more than I do. But somehow, your Father in Heaven’s love surpasses my own. That love must truly be infinite to exceed the love I feel for you. I hope you will always love Him, and your Savior Jesus Christ more than you do me. Nothing will bring you greater joy than loving your Savior.

I want you to know something else too concerning your faith. It’s okay to wonder, it’s okay to question. You must do the work yourself to find out the truth. People receive answers in different ways. Some receive actual answers from another person or a whispered Voice, some feel warmth, and some think they are receiving no answer at all. But learn to be patient. Trust in the Lord’s timing. He will answer you if you wait. As you grow up you lean on the testimony of your parents. You cannot do this forever. Someday you must take the time to start asking and studying for yourself. Pray for understanding and faith. Ask for help from us, your parents, and from other trustworthy leaders of the Church.

There will be sad times when you feel like you’ve failed. I have failed again and again in my life, usually at the same things over and over. Remember that the purpose of the Savior’s Atonement is to provide a way for us to fix those wrongs so we are not trapped in our sin and return to Heavenly Father. We do not fully understand the Atonement (I have been trying to my whole life) but we know that it heals us. We can be perfect again and again when we repent. Do not be afraid of repentance. It can seem like a scary or embarrassing thing because it means we have done something wrong. But repentance restores us. If you are repenting it means you care about being better. We should feel grief at our sins, but joy because we can fix them with repentance. Never feel that you are too unworthy to pray. You can always pray to your Father in Heaven. He will always listen to you.

My patriarchal blessing promised me great joy in motherhood. I can tell you I have never experienced greater joy than being your mother. I love it so much that I want more and more of you so I can have little children to love all my life, even when you’ve left to create your own families. Someday when you become a mother or a father, I know you’ll experience that incredible flood of love for your children and recognize in a small way the immense feeling I have for each of you.

I wish I could always make you feel the depth of my love for you. I know I get angry and frustrated and impatient too often. I am so imperfect. I want to be the best mother you could possibly have. I cry when you cry and cry when I get too upset with you. I do not feel deserving to be your mom because you are so wonderful that you deserve nothing but the best. But I can promise you that I will always try. I will always try to be better and love you with my whole heart.

As you grow, I am going to do my best to teach you right from wrong, but more important than that, I will teach you to have the courage to choose right. I hope that you are obedient to the standards of the Church. Not everyone is naturally obedient, but you can teach yourself to be obedient. You always have this choice. I hope you will have joy in the gospel and even when you question it, find your faith and return with your testimony stronger and firmer. Know that I am doing my best to hold weekly Family Home Evenings with our little family, and also daily scripture study and family prayer. Sometimes we have to call dad at work and do scripture study and prayer over the phone because of his schedule. I’ve even tried reading four verses a night and doing a separate prayer just with you, Tenley, to help you practice doing personal study so when you’re old enough, you can take over doing this by yourself. It’s not easy to do these things with two under two. It feels like you don’t listen at all. But I know you are feeling the Spirit when we do them. And I know you listen more than I realize based on how you always shout “Amen!” afterward. Nothing is more important to me than being with my family forever. So I continue doing these things, even if it often feels like I’m just going through the motions. I want you to be prepared for the world when you are older and feel as though you are armed with a fervent testimony of Jesus. Because of Him you never have to be afraid that everything will work out. It will.

If I could pick just five things to impress on you (though it’s hard to pick just five), I think the most important things I hope you to be are these:

Be Kind. There is too little kindness in this world and I want my children to be a friend to everyone. I want you to help those in need even if it means sacrificing on your part. If you love your brother, you will be kind to him. You will look at the man as you think God would see him and not as the flawed person the world sees. Heavenly Father will be happy to see you love His children.

Be Grateful. Be thankful to Heavenly Father for all He has given you. There are so many blessings. Be grateful to your Savior for His sacrifice. In your prayers, always be mindful to thank them for all you have been given. Have humility about all you have been blessed with and about the talents and gifts you have been given. A grateful heart is a happy heart, and more than anything I want you to be happy.

Be Genuine. This means being honest to others and to yourself. Treat others fairly. Be honest in your words and your dealings with others. Have integrity. This means having the courage to admit your mistakes when you have done wrong. Practice what you preach. In other words, be true to your beliefs and standards and refrain from judging people, especially for making the same mistakes you’ve made.

Be Forgiving. We are required to forgive all men. It is hard. There are truly evil people who feel no remorse for what they’ve done. And there are those who are hard to forgive because they were close to you and have betrayed you and your trust. But forgiveness frees you from anger and pain. It allows you to have happiness again. Those who do not have forgiveness in their hearts, can never be truly happy with the sins and mistakes of others burdening them. So choose to let it go. It will be hard to forget the wrong, but at the very least, let go of your anger.

Be Courageous. I want my children to be the ones to stand up for the right. I want them to be willing to go against the norm in order to help another. I want them to have courage in their faith and be willing to share it without fear of rejection. I want them to have the courage to admit when they are wrong. I want them to courageously love, even if it means getting their heart broken. I want them to have the courage to not take offense. I want them to have the courage to be kind, to be genuine, to be forgiving. These are not easy things and sometimes they do not come naturally to a person. But with practice, they will come easily and you will ultimately be happier because of it.

Remember that you are loved. I can’t tell you how much I love you and you will not understand until you are in my position yourself. But trust me.

With all my heart, I love each one of you.

Your mother in this short life,

Olivia O’Rissa Searle Gunnell