Expressing My Fears About Baby #2

Why is having a second kid so scary? I know in my heart that it will be wonderful and that it will all work out somehow (as long as I have my Heavenly Father's help), but I can't help but feel guilty that the alone time I've had with Tenley for the last year and several months will be ending soon. My attention will be divided between two babies or more for forever and it's scary not knowing how you could possibly love your second baby as much as your first. (I'm sure I will, but I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love Tenley). 

It's scary not knowing how easy or difficult your second will be compared with your first. It's scary to imagine the worst-case scenario and wonder whether or not you can truly handle it. 

How am I going to go grocery shopping with two littles? How am I even going to carry two babies to the car? How am I going to make sure my 18-month old doesn't accidentally hurt or kill her little brother? How do I help my 18-month old, who is very attached to mom, realize that I love her as much as ever even though I won't be able to give her the same amount of attention? How do I help her to not feel jealous? 

How will I be able to get through the nights if he isn't a good sleeper? (Tenley was amazing as a newborn and I was still pretty exhausted--I can't even imagine a difficult baby!) How will I function in a messy home--particularly when that's one thing that really stresses me out and puts me in a bad mood? How could I possibly conceive that having 4-7 children is really what I want??? I know people do it and I still want that more than anything, but I am so scared just to have two! I'm scared that I'll be even less patient and even more disappointed with myself than I already am oftentimes. I don't want to feel inadequate as a mother (naturally), and I know that I am trying, but I think about my sweet Tenley (especially when I snuggle with her before bed) and think about how she deserves better. She's so perfect and wonderful and she deserves the best mom I can be. And I rarely feel like I'm at that level. 

I guess I am just getting nervous as the countdown hits approximately 10 weeks until our little guy's arrival. I love him and I love when he presses against my hand when I rub my belly or poke his little limbs, but I just can't think about him as a real baby yet. It hasn't really hit me that in a little over two months he will be here and our lives will change (again) forever. I am excited and have been since even before he was conceived, but as we approach his arrival, I am getting more and more anxious about all the changes that will inevitably come with it. 

Right now, I just want to be the mom that Tenley deserves. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be the best mom I can be for her and find that I let myself down almost daily. I am trying not to feel guilty and remember that by this time next year, things will probably be much easier and much more relaxed and I'll be able to laugh at all of my ridiculous worries (at least, I hope that's the case). But for now, they aren't ridiculous. I have no idea what to expect. I obviously hope that my labor is easier and faster, and that the transition is smoother than I am expecting and that our boy is just as wonderful a newborn as Tenley was, but the negative part of me wants to expect the opposite. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Not the most positive motto, but that pretty much describes my outlook in situations like this one. Hey, it worked with Tenley. I lucked out with our first baby (which is partly why we felt we could handle a second so soon!) but I'm trying not to get my hopes up that our second will be as wonderful (though I certainly hope so!). 

I am just grateful that I get to be a mom to these two little spirits. I feel as though they are teaching me more about being like Christ than I am much of the time. It is such a wonderful feeling to have a person who forgives with ease and loves you unconditionally like children do. I cannot imagine choosing not to have children if it was a possibility for me. Being a mother is definitely the most rewarding occupation of my time and efforts. I just love it. 

How was having a second child for you? Were you scared at all? Were your fears relieved or confirmed? Do you have any advice on becoming a mother of two?

We head to Sun Valley, Idaho tomorrow and then to Caldwell to be with Dalin's family for Thanksgiving this week! I am so looking forward to being with family and doing some things! I'm less enthusiastic about the 6 hours we'll be in the car with Tenley. But we've done it before (many times) and I'm sure we'll survive;) 

Happy Thanksgiving! (in case I don't get a chance to get back on here soon;)

Nonspecific Late Night Thoughts on Life & The Third Trimester

A few random things before I go to bed tonight--

I only barely finished a painting for a friend who requested one (she's giving it to her roommate for Christmas), and I am just realizing how nice it was to just sit and paint while listening to Christmas music for an hour. Painting is so therapeutic for me. I wish I could get paid to paint all the time! (In all my free time that is...)

I prefer my grapefruits to be at about room temperature to warmish when I eat them, rather than refrigerated. I think it's because I've had them fresh off the tree in Florida (where the sun is shining directly on them) and the ones at the grocery store pale in comparison. I am definitely on a grapefruit kick right now. Maybe grapefruits have some vitamin or something that my body is craving right now. I really believe that cravings are at least partly attributed to a lack of the nutrients one's body needs. Or maybe even what the baby needs--who knows? But anyway, within the last week I have downed an entire jug of grapefruit juice, and I've eaten two grapefruits (but wanted way more) the last couple days. I only bought two, so that's limited me a little. I wish I could eat one right now.

I have realized that I've had so much in common with both of my pregnancies despite expecting the rumors that different genders result in different cravings (and overall pregnancy experience) to be true. Besides my recent sickness which led to my severe dehydration and consequently started my contractions, I've felt really good and the hardest part of this pregnancy has definitely been having a toddler that I shouldn't be picking up (but who always wants her mom, and I'm a sucker whenever she signs "please" so I do it anyway). I've also worried about the number of times Tenley has punched, kicked, or crushed her brother through my belly already. I know he's well-protected in there, and my doctor has reassured me that all second babies go through that (especially when their sibling is only a year or two older), but I feel like it has to be affecting him. So that's me trying not to worry my son will be emotionally scarred from his sister's physical abuse (however accidental--she is always trying to hug and kiss my belly so I know she doesn't mean to squish him).

I have also realized that I have been mentally prepping myself for having two children for a long time. I really feel like there is a second or middle-child syndrome and I don't know how much effect a parent has on whether that happens or not, but I think about it fairly often. I think about how I want to treat each child individually when they are both here. I want to make sure they both know I love them equally and that neither is more important than the other. In the same vein, however, I want Tenley to know that she is still so loved and that I am so grateful I have her to be my helper. I never thought I would want daughters (plural) until I had one, but now I would love another girl someday because of Tenley. I hope any others we might have are as sweet and perfect as she is. I hope our son feels that his sister is his friend and that she will watch over and protect him (like I tried to protect my brothers) as they grow up together. I am so excited that they will be so close in age!

I am thankful for Dalin. He is such a good friend to me and I love the jokes we get to share together. We had a fun time, just the two of us, at church this past Sunday while Tenley was in nursery and I'm just grateful I have him to joke and whisper with during Sunday School (like we're back in young men's and women's;). I feel so much joy because I married him. We balance each other out so nicely and I love that I have him to lean on.

I'm in the third trimester! I feel like this announcement should have come sooner, but I just remembered. As much as I love the second trimester, it's nice that time is moving forward. I swear, weeks 20 to 29 have been much slower than the first 19 were. I think it's because of social media...when I wasn't staying up to date with my pregnancy, time flew. Now it's like crawling forward painfully slow. My belly looks gigantic in the mirror and I think I must be a little bigger than I was at this point with Tenley because my belly button (which was completely flat by the end with Ten) is already going past flat to slightly poking out on top. It's weird. I just hope (if it becomes a full-on outie) that it goes back to normal.

I hope you found these random thoughts entertaining because I'm like falling asleep right here, and that's about all I can think of to say right now. I'll try to post some photos soon...I still have some on my camera from NH to go through.

Good night to all;)

P.S. You seriously should try my white/rainbow chili recipe posted yesterday. It is so good...I'm tempted to make more this week!

Easy & Delicious 30-Minute Rainbow White Chili

*Photos Added--Finally!!*

I used to hate chili when I was a kid. My mom made it so well, but it wasn't until I was in my late teens that I realized I loved her chili. All those years wasted...

This is actually not a recipe for my mom's chili--it's one that I sort of made up because we had a lot of beans in our cupboard and I wanted to use them. That may make it seem like my effort was only a half-hearted effort to use up ingredients, but it wasn't at all--I looked up several white chili recipes and took pieces from each of them--depending on what I had in my pantry already. I also improvised with the cooking time because I didn't want to wait several hours for my dinner to be ready, but if you are making this for a large group or a cook-off, I'm sure it would turn out just as good in a crockpot.

Even with all of my improvisations, it turns out that the chili was really good! Dalin wasn't home when I made it for dinner so he didn't try it until the next day and that was the best part for me--he loved it on the second day--he said it was the best chili he'd ever had (insert an image of me beaming here). I didn't really believe him (he says that about all my cooking) until he asked for me to make it for him again. I did, and then I had some the next day and discovered--to my surprise--that it is better on the second day! (I imagine the flavors have more time to soak in--either that or magic elves come and do something to it--either way;).

Anyway, the recipe really was too good not to share. And don't be scared by the quantity of ingredients--most of them were things I already had. Actually all of them were--I was supposed to add green chilis but I only had Ro-Tel with green chilis but it turns out that worked great! I also added the ingredients under the optional section below because they sounded good to me at the time.

Quick side note: Also, sorry for the stupid name--it is supposed to be white chili, but because of the extra ingredients I added, it ended up being kind of a rainbow. I have to admit, it's probably the best chili I've ever had (and I'm very picky about and critical of my cooking). 

So here we go--

Ingredients:

1 lb (boneless, skinless) chicken, chopped into tiny bite-sized pieces
1 medium onion (Spanish or sweet), chopped
1 garlic clove, diced
1 tsp garlic powder



1 can northern beans, rinsed and drained
1 can navy or cannellini beans, rinsed and drained
1 can chicken broth
1 can Ro-Tel diced tomatoes with green chilis
1 chicken bouillon cube
1-2 sticks of celery, sliced
1/2 (or a whole) bell pepper (yellow, orange, or red works), diced

Seasonings (if you have to skip one or substitute for another spice, don't worry--I was really lax in my measurements and inclusion of various seasonings)
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp dried oregano
1 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper

1 cup sour cream
1/2 cup heavy whipping cream

Optional (not optional for me;)
celery
bell pepper
heavy whipping cream

Instructions: 

1. In your largest saucepan, saute the chicken pieces, chopped onion, garlic, and garlic powder until lightly browned. 
2. Add the beans, broth, Ro-Tel with chilis, chicken bouillon cube, and all of the seasonings and stir gently (my saucepan was really full with everything in there--hopefully yours is bigger!). 
3. Bring the ingredients to a boil then reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes. I put the cover on my pan but had to keep an eye on it because it was so full it would occasionally bubble over. 
4. Remove from heat and stir in sour cream and cream.
5. Serve with white rice* (I set my timer for the chili for 24 minutes, then started the rice so both would be ready at the same time). 

*I would definitely serve this over 5-minute white rice--it adds so much to the dish, even on the second day! I also add a dollop of sour cream on top and would have sliced up some scallions/green onions if I had had any on-hand.

Enjoy! It is a wonderfully easy dish for anyone to make--including college students and young families like ours! It also seems to turn out well even with substitutions. I would love to hear how this turns out for you if you decide to try it! I would also like to hear what changes you make (whether by necessity or choice).

I hope you like it! Happy cooking!

Ten Details My Dream Home Would Most Certainly Have

Hey, this is a just-for-fun post because I was on Pinterest last night thinking about, well, my dream home (which is not abnormal for me...I've thought about my dream home since I was a teenager). 

In contrast (to my years of planning), whenever I ask Dalin what his dream home includes, he pretty much says something along the lines of whatever I want or not too small. He doesn't care as much about that stuff as me but I'm a planner and a dreamer and I love preparing for the future. Plus, I definitely know what I like and this will give you a good idea of my personal tastes. 

So here are ten details that my dream home would most certainly have (and any number of which would certainly add ample character to any home):

10. A Variety of Stone, Wood, & Tile Patterns.

I love pallet wood and a variety of colors and natural textures. I definitely prefer old to new and would rather live in a bit of a fixer-upper than a new housing complex or development (Dalin, not so much--probably because he'd have to help me fix anything over 5 feet;). I love places with history and character. 

9. Wooden beams exposed in at least some part of the house.

I love the log cabin feel that wooden beams give a home. It's a very comforting feature to me, and I love the sense of history that they come with--lots of beams come from old ships, historic sites, even now-protected forests. That makes a piece of your home really one of a kind and my dream home would absolutely fall into that category. 

8. A stone fireplace.

My home would have to have a stone fireplace to be considered my dream home. I love fireplaces (especially sitting and reading by them in the winter) and particularly fall through winter, a fireplace is, in my opinion, mandatory for the holiday season. Plus, I don't know how I would survive my least favorite (also incidentally the coldest) months, November and January, without a warm fire to look forward to. I loved laying on the floor in front of my parents' fireplace with my feet up on the brick by the fire to keep warm while I read or drew. Plus you can roast marshmallows and hotdogs whenever you want! Sigh...such good memories.

7. A sunroom or enclosed porch. 

Probably my favorite room in my parents' house growing up was our sunroom. I loved to sit in there with the windows open spring through fall pursuing my interests (reading, drawing, painting) or wrapped up in cozy blanket in the winter (especially the years we put our Christmas tree in there). I love that it's like being outside without being in the direct sunlight or elements, and that you can enjoy them year-round. 

6. A washer and drier in my closet (or an attached laundry room). 

I am not a fan of doing laundry. Never have been and I doubt adding three (or six) kids will change that. I don't know why more homes don't do this, but it makes sense to me that folding laundry would be slightly less terrible if you were already in your closet and could just put stuff away as you pulled it out of the drier. My children would have to come pick up their loads, but it seems like it would save Mom a lot of time!

5. A garden of fruits and vegetables. 

I love gardening (especially the idea of it;) and even though my family growing up had years on and off where we were on top of the weeding and maintenance of our own garden, I think that is an important goal that I would like my family to work toward together. Plus, if we were successful, think of the money saved--especially for a big family! Growing our own produce would be awesome. 

4. A front porch and columns. 

I love colonial and victorian homes (big surprise coming from a New England girl, huh?) and columns are an important feature of any true New England-style home. They're even better when they come with a front porch that's big enough to squeeze a bench--maybe even a porch swing--on. I would love to be able to sit outside during spring and summer and watch my children play in the yard or to sit outside with Dalin at night and stargaze. Plus it makes a nice place to sit and talk with friends or visitors and drink some lemonade or something:).

3. A library. 

It doesn't even have to be a whole room, but I'm a dedicated reader and I need books in my life. I would love to have a little nook in part of our house where I could escape to read or where I could bring my children for story time. Plus, if it smelled anything like Barnes & Nobles, I'd be in there all the time. 

2. An outdoor fire pit in a wooded area. 

Some of my fondest memories took place at my Grandpa French's fire pit in his backyard. It was a short ways in the woods and was very rustic compared with these, but all that mattered was how much fun our family had sitting and talking and eating around the fire together. Even in the dead of winter, we braved the cold to roast food and be together as a family, and truthfully, I don't even remember feeling cold despite being surrounded by snow and icicles in the woods. I want a place to build similar memories with my children and family. 

1. A backyard lagoon.

Hey, this is my dream home so it can get a little crazy. Who wouldn't love a natural-looking lagoon with lots of tropical plants and rocks to enjoy after a rough day? It would also be heated (at least during cold months) and have one or many waterfalls. I love being in the water and this would be amazing, wouldn't it? Admit it;)

I hope you had fun taking a peek at my ideas for a dream home and maybe acquired some new ideas of your own. Let me know what you think is crazy (if anything) or which of these ideas (and the memories attached) you can relate to! 

What details would your dream home contain? Do we share any favorites?

P.S. The items on here were in no particular order--the lagoon just seemed the most far-fetched so I saved it for last;)

A Pregnancy Thing and A Mom Thing

Hey guys, it's been a great day (that's a little bit sarcastic as you'll soon discover). I've already had two emotional breakdowns and it's only 1pm.

I know pregnancy hormones can make a girl a little crazy (that definitely happened with Tenley) but this time around, I have felt a lot more in control of my emotions. (Maybe it's because we're having a little tough guy...). Until the last few days.

Oh man, being sick and pregnant is not fun at all. For your sake, I will not be going into detail (unless you wanna talk about it in person or something because it's gross) but basically, I am extremely dehydrated and was having contractions way too frequently and intensely for 27 weeks and so I was sent to the ER the other day to be put on an IV. They also gave me something to help with the pain, which incidentally made me very tired. So I was knocked out pretty much the whole time at the hospital and once the contractions calmed down (the monitor still showed I was cramping) they released me to go home and be on bed rest for a few days.

Let me just insert here that bed rest is SO boring. The first day wasn't so bad since it was Sunday and I was heavily drugged and could only sleep anyway, but yesterday was so hard with Dalin gone at work. I thought I'd be able to somehow stay on the couch and rest and Tenley would just play by herself all day (yeah, what was I thinking?) but it was really difficult.

I kind of forgot that Tenley requires food and entertainment among other things, and so it was not the restful day it should have been. Thus my continued discomfort and tiredness led to me snapping at her more than I should have (which should be not at all--she's only 15 months old and sometimes I treat her like she's a child more than a new toddler). When bedtime rolled around, I was relieved, but also felt terribly sad at how the day had gone. The apartment was in ruins but that was no excuse to get upset with a little girl. I cried before I put Tenley to bed because I felt so frustrated by my own behavior that day and sad that Tenley probably had no idea what I had been upset about. And because as soon as she's down in bed, I want to wake her up and be with her and be the kind of mom I should have been.

My friend Emily perfectly explained, (after a similarly hard day of losing her patience and finally putting her daughter in bed): "All I want to do is wake her up, gather her up in my arms and read her books and sing her songs and tell her stories because I feel so badly about how our day went." I couldn't have said it better myself. That was exactly what I wanted to do last night.

But after snuggling with Tenley in her bed for as long as my pregnant body could take (and telling her sorry a thousand times for being such a lame mom)--that toddler mattress has to be the most uncomfortable thing I've ever slept on--I went to sleep on the couch until Dalin finally came home from work.

My sleeping girl last night as I snuggled with her in her bed. 

Then began the longest night of my life (at least, that I can recall). I literally got up to use the bathroom 30-40 times and was completely exhausted by morning. Dalin's sleep was, I'm sure, also disturbed the whole night through because of me, which resulted this morning in a very sad, tired, and emotionally distraught me. I had zero energy from getting next to no sleep, and I felt weak with dehydration even though I had been sipping water all day yesterday. If I could show you a picture of me this morning--I wouldn't. But just imagine like the nastiest, splotchy-faced, unbrushed version of me in glasses that you can. That's probably not even as bad as it was.

I sobbed when I called my mom on the phone to vent because I felt so completely exhausted and miserable, then I called my doctor's office and they said they want me to come in right away. Honestly, I felt so horrible, I had considered having Dalin just take me straight to the ER to be put on an IV.

The doctor (my regular doctor wasn't available) was glad I had come in and told me I need to drink as much as I can and if it didn't stay down or feel like enough, that I should go into the hospital once a day over the next few days to have an IV put in for me to get fluids (my intuition wasn't far off). They ran a couple of tests as well to try to figure out if what I have is viral or something else, and sent me home with a prescription in the meantime.

My cousin Whitney came over to watch Tenley for an hour and a half while Dalin and I (but mostly Dalin) took a nap because he has to work all evening (and I felt horrible that Tenley and I--but mostly me--had kept him up all night). Then Dalin left for work with Tenley to drop her off at our aunt and uncle's house for the rest of the evening so I can rest.

That's where the second waterworks came in as I thought about not seeing Tenley all day and leaving her with someone else to be responsible for taking care of her. I love her so much and 8 or so hours is literally the longest I have ever been away from her since I was pregnant with her. I also had several irrational worries and concerns (and I knew they were irrational) about her being fed enough and her diaper getting changed and so on, which are completely ridiculous because not only has she been with our wonderful aunt before and done amazingly (they said she didn't cry at all!), but Laur has four kids and knows perfectly well how to take care of a baby. It was just that nagging feeling that I'm supposed to be taking care of her and feeling guilty for being unable to and sad that I wouldn't be able to hug and kiss her whenever I wanted to. I am trying not to tear up again now as I think about it too much, but Tenley is just the best baby and I am so glad she does well with other people because it would have broken my heart if she had cried when she walked out the door with her dad.

Anyway, this post was much longer than I meant it to be (but I am lying down on my bed so it's okay I think...I'm still "resting") but I just had to describe my fragile emotional state and see my irrationalities written out so I could feel better about not being with Tenley today.

Some day, I will probably rejoice for a day or night off from one of my kids, but today is not that day. Hopefully I never feel that way, but we'll see.

Now, I need to try and sleep (since that was the point of this whole thing) but I'd like to know if you can sympathize with my pregnant/mothering emotional distress and irrational thinking because I could use an ally or two.

Also, thank you again to everyone who has brought me food (or blue Gatorade:) or offered help. I appreciate it so much. You have no idea.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better,