Why getting married the first of your friends is a rip off

I am dictating this post aloud via Siri and intend to edit it afterward though if there are a few hilarious mistakes I might just leave them (Siri really stinks at taking direct quotes--she kind of has a mind of her own). Anyway, that's my disclaimer in case there are several grammatical errors in this post.

Remember back in elementary school when being first in line was such a big deal? Or maybe you remember when you would come in first at Mario Kart for Nintendo and your friends would suddenly realize that Toad is the best? Remember being first in state with your varsity tennis team in high school and scoring some sweet Northface jackets? Let's face it, in general, being first rocks.  

You've been conditioned to believe this your whole life and then…

You're the first one of your friends to get married. 

When you're engaged it's not a big deal because you and your honey are so into each other that nothing in the world matters. Friends? What friends? My fiancé is my best friend. But as soon as your vows are spoken, BOOM, you're looking at a different animal. 

Suddenly your friends seem to have vanished into thin air. Half of them are the opposite gender so they're really gone because it just gets weird when you try and stay in touch. The other half of your friends are either happy for you but wanting to give you space or fiercely jealous (but happy for you, too). It's not really their fault...who wants to hang around lovey dovey newly weds who are constantly gazing longingly into each other's eyes and sharing secretive Mona Lisa smiles across the table? No one, that's who. 

But losing your friends is temporary. A year or two later you'll be out of the newlywed phase and slowly your friends will return...one by one. But then there's the matter of conversation. What do you talk about now? Gone are the days of talking about who's hot. They've been replaced with conversations of married life vs. single life. That may not be so bad, until your single friend is consistently having rotten luck with dating and then what are you to do? You really are rooting for them but at this point it just seems like you're jinxing them with your happiness. You start to believe it might be better if you don't offer any dating advice at all because it clearly isn't panning out like you assured them it would.

When your friends are finally comfortable around you again, you want to have a humorous conversation about married life and how fun and awesome and weird it is, but your friends can't relate to that and you don't want to rub your joy in their face. So you talk about the latest

shows you've been binge-watching or about something you can both relate to. Like food. 

Pretty soon, you're pregnant. It's awesome and you're so happy, but now you're really concerned about your friend's marital status (or lack thereof). You grew up dreaming about how your kids would grow up together and also be best friends but now you're starting to get concerned about the age differences. You do the math. If your friend meets someone now and dates them

for six months, then gets engaged for three, then they want to wait a year before trying for kids, then you have to hope they get lucky and get pregnant right away...nine months later...three years apart isn't so bad right?? Hmm. Nothing makes you feel young like realizing your children are going to be teenagers when your friends start having children. You realize it's hopeless. Especially once you get pregnant with number two. You're not getting any younger, and you resign yourself to the fact that your kids are going to be entering college when your friends' kids are in elementary school.

I guess they can babysit them...

Then there is the matter of your siblings.

They aren't even close to dating someone, let alone marrying or having kids. Apparently, your children's cousins are going to basically be like nieces and nephews to your kids. Nice. 

There are other perks, too. You're the first of your friends to buy a home. Your friends think they're jealous, but you miss not paying $300 in utilities or shoveling your driveway. You also are the first to make huge mistakes such as getting a boat or investing in a timeshare. Unfortunately, none of your friends were able to warn you about those particular mistakes. They don't even have a boyfriend yet!!! 

Basically, you and your spouse are the trial couple, and without meaning to, you've become the wise, rational, advice-giving Dumbledore of your friends. You'd rather be Sirius or James but you decided to embrace adulthood alone (well, not totally alone--but your spouse doesn't count). At least they can learn from your mistakes. 

Okay so getting married first isn't that terrible. Yes, it's kind of a rip off and you have to be incredibly patient, but it will work out in the end. You know that. Slowly, your friends and acquaintances from your younger years are trickling into the marriage pool. You wish you could just push them all in at once but it's out of your hands. And truly, you want them to take their time and find a great guy who your husband will ideally become best friends with. Fingers crossed. 

I'm kidding about a lot of this stuff in case that was not apparent. I am impatient for my friends to get married and have kids, but it'll happen when it's supposed to happen. And when it does, I'll be ready to be the best bridesmaid, er...matron of honor...ever. And don't worry, I'm saving all my baby books and will have ample advice on parenting to offer you. Just be ready for me to be pressuring you to start having kids ASAP because time's a-wastin'! 

Were you the first of your group/high school class/siblings to get married? Was it hard for you at first? Can you think of any other inconveniences to getting married first?